Dreams...

Guys you should join this site. no joke.

2008-10-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

Someone freaking stab me...

2008-10-25T16:43:00.000-07:00

Mood: hurt
wanting comfort
listening to: My computer breathe
location on my couch.

I have got to stop this.
all in two days I got a boyfriend and I lost a boyfriend. things could not get any shittier. I love Anthony. He was the one. I thought he finally asked me out and then I find out it might not have been him but one of my friends or a hacker online that night. I was so happy. And when I went to my almost brother for comfort he told me to tell my dad. What the FUCK IS THAT!
He of all people! I though he was on my side. now I am not so sure. I thought he would at least try to comfort me. but no after that he asked me how my day was going.
I LOVED HIM DAMMIT AND I freaking found out that it wasn't him who asked me out but one of my friends. HOW THE HELL do you think I am feeling eh?!!?
Dammit. I love you too. But you make me so freaking angry/frustrated. In the end you always have a way of getting me to forgive you. you are so unaware of what I am going through right now. and even though I know that you will not read this (I'll make sure of that). I want you to know that I am not alright. I am sick. I want to cut I want to kill myself. I want to throw up and be something better than I am right now.
I want help. I don't want it. I want you. I want Anthony. I want somone who will fucking stay with me. But
I
can't
deal with this anymore.
I want to know...did you even think about what it would mean to me by calling me your sister?

Jealousy is disgusting...

2008-10-12T01:53:00.000-07:00

Music: Out Here All Night by Damone and Not You're Alone By Saosin
Location: In my living room
Mood: tired/ cold
In need of: A hug from a certain somone

My heart has so many strings, strings that belong to so many people. Those people hold my heart, if they pull to tight. My heart will hurt. It will be squeezed till it hurts and I scream. But no one hears, because they are too far away to listen.

I made that up all by myself. Amazing eh?
So theres this girl who always gets me all fired up. She ,whether its conciously done or not, loves to make me jealous and sometimes I can ignore it and other times I can't help it. Envy is such an ugly feeling. I wish I didn't have that emotion. But alas I do. And it sucks. Big time.
I also have to go see a therapist. God those freaking weirdos. I hate going to see them. They freak the shit out of me.
My mom and my dad are all crazy on my ass. Its all hectic and they make it worse. I wish Mrs. B had kept her mouth shut. But again, we don't always get what we want. God. So just another blog thing for another stupid update of my pathetic life.
Here you go.
~NT~

Life sucks...

2008-09-25T19:50:00.000-07:00

I ,currently, like three people: My best friend, a boy who doesn't contact me but apparently likes me too, and a boy who my other good friend likes too.
See why this blog is titled that?
I have had a rough week. My best best bestfriend, in the whole entire universe, got suspended from her school and won't contact me. I was talking to somone who knew about it and they said it was because I was annoying and because my friend hates me. That put a damper on me. I hurt myself and it felt weird. It was like this blinding pain. And when I did it I didn't cry and I felt like I could breathe and I smiled. It is wonderful. I felt better afterwards other than the sting of the cut but it still felt better than it would have if I didn't.
Two people saw it though and asked about it. They wanted me to promise not to do it again. I couldn't look at them. One of them actually said I was good at hiding my feelings. That made me smile. I don't like to burden people with my feelings. They get bored listening. =D
Well I gotta go study for a history test. I am excited I get to go to cali tomorrow.
See ya around
~N~T~

New Cutie ta Bootie!

2008-09-22T19:07:00.000-07:00

Music Uhm...silence
mood sleepy/ bored/brain dead
needs food and something to do
Location In your head.
So I go to a pretty small charter school. We don't have a lot of kids so everyone knows everyone. It is almost like a family. The only problem is that when you go out with someone and you break up, you have to see them everyday. Well, except for weekends and holidays ;P.
Luckily, I don't have this problem. I am not interested in boys, except for one but he doesn't even go to the school so I don't have to worry. Any way I was talking about...oh yeah!
Okay, anyway. So I go to a small school and getting new comers is almost as exciting as opening presents on a christmas morning. We have a new student and he is so cute. Now when I say cute I mean he isn't ugly and he isn't handsome. So in between there. Well he is cute and I only share one hour with him but thats fine. I am not interested cause I think he is just a face. He seemed a little nervous today (Who wouldn't on the first day of going to a different school?). I want to help him out and be his friend, I mean I do get along better with guys than I do with most girls, but I don't want it to seem like I like him or anything. I'll probably just end up being his friend anyway. A lot of the girls like him (he is a cute boy for goodness sakes!!) and if they see me they might start rumors and drama will start. Thats how it is in this school.
Thats another down side. Drama. It is everywhere like wildfire and then when it ends, well actually it never ends. It is so tiring and if you aren't in it then you aren't in.
I don't want to start that again.
I'll probably just be his friend anyway. So why the hell am I writing this? Oh I don't know...maybe because I just like to blurt out everything on my mind on this little blogger thing than to my actual friends....Shows how much I give. Its not like I don't have things to say its just that people get tired of listening. I always listen to them, they just, when it comes down to it, never stick around long enough to listen to me.
I had a friend that would help me with my problems and she is, for some reason, never around anymore. She just stopped answering my calls. I try to find out whats wrong but she never tells me. I miss her so much.
lol see how quickly my thoughts change. Thats why I need this. So I don't have to keep it all in my head. Well I am going to go now.
Cya
~N~T~

New computer...

2008-09-21T16:21:00.000-07:00

Music: Smrpg song
mood:tired
Needs:sleep
location: The floor of my room
I have a new laptop. IT is way better than my old one. It has faster internet service, better sound quality, a burner, and its easier to carry around. The only down part to it is that my dad set up this parental control thing where it records all the sites I go on, it blocks the 'inappropriate' sites, and it has a timer set on it so it shuts off at ten at night and doesn't let me go on until like six am. The parental controls makes the laptop almost not worth it. I miss my freedom.
My friends think I should just give the laptop back. But I found out the password to the parental control thing and now I can unblock sites and do all the things I want to do. The only problem is that it records everything I unblock and change on the laptop. I find it unfair that he doesn't trust me and he does this. It just makes it easier for me to betray his trust. I hate this feeling of guilt, when really I didn't do anything.

For those interested in this life...

2008-09-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

Mood: hungry
Needs:Food
Music Does bacon sizzling in the background count?

Welcome to the world of Neko~Tenshi. So we are back at school. For my school we have been in for at least 6 weeks now. New Highschool teachers. Some are drags and some are amazing. I have so much work to do and it is so much fun. I am in Av, drumline, flag, newspaper, and choir. It is a lot of work but it will look good on my college transcript.
I am bisexual and I am very open minded. I am Wiccan and I don't like it when people say that thier religion is the right way. It is what they believe in, they think its the right way it isn't necessarily the right way. Oh by the way I have disorganized thoughts so If i go on a tangent feel free to skim. =)
I think this is all I am going to write for my first clog a little introduction.
Cya around,
N~T